Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,

It has been four years ago today since you left us. I still have a hard time accepting it and don't want to believe it is true. I treasure the nights I dream about you as it helps me to feel closer to you.

So many times I dream that you are telling me you never died, that it was all just a mistake, that you are free of your cancer. You are always in the Chevy II Nova in the drivers seat smiling at me. Every time I dream that you are telling me you are still here, I believe it and don't think I am dreaming. So many nights the children wake me up while I am dreaming about you and I desperately try to return to my dream.

Some of my other dreams center around my favorite time period in my life with you. When I was between the ages of 16-18 years old. Many of those dreams are about us fixing my car or driving down to San Diego together. All happy dreams.

When you passed I didn't want to accept it. I was seven months pregnant at the time and I was so afraid if I let myself grieve that I would loose my baby. So I did everything I could to keep myself busy, to pass the time and not let my mind wander to the reality of you being gone. I even went to counseling to deal with it although I don't think that helped at all.

I feel so fortunate that I had you there at my wedding. I was so proud to have you walk me down the isle. I wished that I would have had more time to spend with you that night but the reality of being the bride is brief moments with all the guests.

Dad I know you were a quiet person and that you kept most of your feelings to yourself. I do treasure the times you express your feelings of pride over my academic accomplishments. I know you saw me as a "good girl" who would always try and do the right thing. I feel like you were a good role model and always helped me see right from wrong.

You know what was hard for me? When I disappointed you. It killed me to know that I let you down. That I didn't make good choices and you had expected that I always would. I would have much rather been grounded then to know I let you down because I wanted more than anything to be that perfect little girl for you.

I do know that you are proud of the woman that I became. That if you were here now to tell me, you would say that you are so proud of the accomplishments I have made and the mother that I have become. I know you would continue to teach me to be independent and strong and to accomplish whatever goal or dream I have. You taught be to go after what was important to me no matter how hard it was to get there.

The wind is blowing really hard right now. Is that you letting me know that you are surrounding me with your presence? Are you watching me write this letter to you right now? If so I feel comforted by your presence and ache for the opportunity to have a conversation with you again.

I really wish you could have been here to see KK born. So many people comment that she looks like you. In fact she has earned the nickname of "Little M". She has your mouth, lips, and face structure. When we saw how much she looked like you I hoped that it was you in her through reincarnation. Now that her personality has developed and we have seen her follow my strong, tenacious personality, we know that it couldn't be you inside of her because you were such a gentle, mellow person. I will though treasure looking into my little girls face each day and thinking of you.

I hope you know how much I love you Dad. How I wish you were still here to see me and to watch your grandchildren grow up. I wish that most of my childhood we wouldn't have been separated by two states and that I could have been an active part of your daily life. I wish that I had had more time to be close to you.

Just know that I will always think of myself as your little girl. That I will always think of you watching over me and will do my best to continue making you proud. Please help to guide me in my life decisions and help me to become a better person with each passing day.

I will continue to grieve loosing you everyday. I wish you would have had more time here. I love you and look forward to dreaming about you each night that you come to me in my dreams. Please let Aunt Karen know that I think of her daily too and miss her greatly. I have so many fond memories of the times I shared with her. I think Grandpa will be with you soon which is making my heart ache each day as well. He helps me to feel close to you.

With love,
Angela