To work or not to work, that is the question

FYI-this is a long post that explores my thoughts and feelings of returning to work!

Back on May 6th I had applied for a position to be an ECE quality facilitator for the county through First 5. This position would require going around to all of the preschools in the county and trying to help improve the quality of education by helping them through the NAEYC accreditation process. Travel through the county would be a range of an hour and a half drive from one side of the county to the other. This position was a new position to be developed and would take a lot of start up time and dedication.

What a challenge this position could be for me. While I wasn't 100% qualified I had worked in preschools for three years and volunteered in preschools for two more years. I worked in two different NAEYC accredited preschools so I was familiar with appropriate practices and standards.

Their ideal candidate however would have been someone who had gone through the accreditation process or would have rated preschools on quality before. I applied anyway in case they felt I was enough of a match in other areas.

On June 16th I received an email letting me know that my application had been approved and I was selected for the interview process. I was THRILLED! I felt like it was such an honor to be selected for an interview for this position.

Two days later I received the questions for the interview.Questions:
1. Tell us three specific things you know about First 5.
2. Tell us three ways to measure quality in an early childhood setting.
3. How would you begin your first meeting with a provider who wanted to apply for the High 5 for Quality program?
4. This program requires community collaboration. Who would you invite to your first meeting and what would the agenda be?
5. It is your first day. You are ready to go! Where do you start?
6. Specifically identify two of your strengths.
7. This position will require working with people from a variety of personalities and backgrounds. What are some strategies you would use to be effective?
8. Questions you may have about the position.

These were the questions they gave us before hand. At the interview they also asked additional questions such as:
1. When you first enter a group situation how do you handle yourself? What would your friends say about how you handle yourself?
2. You enter a preschool and find that they have a Title 22 violation. The director doesn't agree. How do you handle this?
3. Who was the last difficult person you worked with? Describe the situation and how you handled it.

There might have been a few more questions but I forgot what they were.

Anyway, when I first saw the 8 questions I had to prepare for I was pretty confident I could answer them at least on a surface level. Of course I wanted to do a great job at answering the questions so I began doing lots and lots of research.

To some they may find the researching boring and frustrating but after being a SAHM for the last four years I found it interesting and challenging. I looked forward to learning more and finding out new things that I hadn't known before. The biggest challenge was learning all about the appropriate way to run a collaborative process. I had never had any experience with a collaboration so it was fun reading a 22 page article learning about the process, who should be involved, what would be a typical agenda, and what the end result should look like. I had a lot of memorizing to do for this question and it was truly my hardest question to answer.

My interview wasn't for three weeks since the date of finding out so I had plenty of time to prepare. This time also allowed me to stress and continually weigh the pros and cons of returning to work full time.

I can't tell you how many times I would go back and forth on what I wanted. One day I was confused as to whether putting the girls in daycare full time was the right decision. The next day I was sure they would be fine. Then the day after that I was worried again at how they would handle being away from me for so much time.

I had been contemplating going back to work for some time now. Mostly for a sense of independence and an opportunity to have social time, a sense of pride over my job, a feeling of security, and a piece of myself back after giving all of myself to raising my children. However, I thought I would probably be returning to teaching, a profession I love and with hours that are more conducive to raising a family. It wasn't until all of these budget cuts and problems that I realized there just weren't any teaching jobs out there! (in the entire county it ended up that there were only 5 elementary positions--you can only imagine how many people applied for those! Not to mention I cost 10k more than a first year teacher so districts can save on their budget by hiring brand new teachers)

So getting back to the point I kept swaying from day to day whether I wanted this job or not. I was worried it would require long hours. I would be leaving the house shortly after 7 and not returning until 5:30 or so due to our location. The job would be 35 minutes from our house. Plus all of the travel with the job! Some days I would be an hour away from my children. What would I do if they were sick or even worse what if they got injured?

Additional fears came to my mind such as how would Aly transition from going to a new kindergarten and a before and after school care facility. The worst part was they didn't even have before and after school care at her school! She would have to take a bus to the junior high and go to a program there. This is what had me worried the most. That is a lot of responsibility to put on a five year old. To be honest I was not comfortable with it one bit.

The day before the interview I was starting to feel like this was just going to be too big of a change for our family. I was feeling like this was just not going to be a good fit for us. I have to admit though I was worried that I could be giving up a great opportunity for my career and future. I was worried that I could look back on this some day and get angry at myself for putting my family first and not allowing myself to opportunity to follow my dreams or passions. So I decided that it was in my best interest to go to the interview anyway and just see what happened.

I was still nervous at the interview though. I think mostly because the director from Aly's preschool was on the interview panel and I was nervous what kind of impression I would make on her. I knew that the next two years I would be seeing her daily as I drop KK off for preschool. She was nice at the interview and I do feel like I did pretty good. There were two questions I could have answered a little differently but it wasn't like I totally messed up.

Even after the interview I kept trying to think of different things I could do with Aly to make it easier for her to attend kindergarten and a before and after school care program. I considered switching her schools down to a school near where my job could be. Some of those schools do have before and after school care on campus so it wouldn't be as difficult.

In the end though it didn't matter. All of my silly stress and weighing out options were a waste of time. I was not offered the position. This is probably a good thing though because had I been offered it I would have turned it down. I had finally decided it was not the right time for me to return to such a demanding job. I am glad I wasn't selected because I might have had major regret in 5 years or so for not taking such a great opportunity.

I was accepted as a sub for the county so I will be substituting at Aly's school on the days KK is in preschool. I think this is a happy medium for all of us. I will get a social outlet and a feeling of connecting with the community, KK will get to be socialized at school and learn to be away from me, and Aly will be happy on the days that I am subbing at her school. I am also hoping that this subbing will get the schools to know me and that in the future if they are hiring they will consider me. In a county like this it is all about WHO you know!